27/03/2009

HOTTENTOT TOTTIE


“THE LORD GIVETH AND THE LORD TAKETH AWAY” is one of the most common misquotes from the Bilble, as it is clear for anyone who knows a smattering of Hebrew that the phrase was mistranslated into English, and that the Lord simply “gave” and then “took”, both of which are violently irregular verbs in Hebrew, but the spirit of the expression has passed down into common acceptance. Thus we can apply it to the extremely frightening news being announced by some of our leaders today.

GOOD CATHOLIC SOULS have lived, since the Act of Settlement in 1701, safe in the knowledge that they cannot marry members of the English Royal Family. Thus the law simultaneously granted a blessing when it took away a right. Nothing prohibits intercourse with royals by Catholics, however, but marriage would lead to general disapproval if not death. All of this, of course, is the complete reverse of what is the case in “real” life for most Catholics, keen to do a bit of trouser-snaking without getting trouser-pressed.

YET FUTURE LORD CARDINAL CORMAC MURPHY O’CONNOR has today told Catholic MPs and lords that the abolition of the 1701 Act was only a matter of time, stating at a meeting at the House of Commons: "I do feel the Act is discriminatory, no doubt about it. The heir to the throne can marry anyone he likes – a Jew, a Hottentot, a Muslim – but not a Roman Catholic."

THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF ANY MEMBER of the Royal Family having wished to marry, or indeed have any kind of intercourse with, a Hottentot, and I for one was unaware that it was a religion, but the royals should be able to find their entertainment where they may. Personally, I am, like many Catholics, perfectly happy with the current situation. I am prepared to be prohibited from becoming the Prime Minister if it means I cannot marry a member of the royal family even if, after one too many Pinot Noirs at a party at the palace, I accidentally get one of the pregnable ones pregnant.

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