SEX, THE CITY, LA CITTÀ AND THE SETTEE

NOTHING IS MORE INDICATIVE of the differences between ourselves and our European brothers and sisters than our attitude towards sex and scandal, particularly when politics and sport is involved. Former postman and Labour government minister Alan Johnson (pictured above) resigned from his powerful position as shadow chancellor of the exchequer earlier this week because his wife was found to be having an affair, stating he was finding it "difficult to cope" with his personal crisis while carrying out his front bench duties.

YET IN ITALY CHEERFUL LEADER BERLUSCONI is relatively happy to continue in office despite almost four hundred pages of a government-commissioned report showing that he often held “parties” at his house in and at which “half-naked starlets performed pole dances, put on stripteases and wriggled up to the prime minister provocatively on the sofa, rubbing him up and letting him have a feel, indulging in mock lesbian kisses and rubbing against each other”.

BERLUSCONI, WHEN CONFRONTED BY THESE ALLEGATIONS, has declared somewhat bluntly to the press (and in this order): I have not had sex with these women; (then after Barbara Guerra [above] suggested otherwise) OK. But I never paid for it; (then when Nicole Minetti showed us the money) OK, but at least I am not a homosexual.

 

ON THE CONTINENT ONE CAN GET AWAY with these declarations, but the most important news of the last week in British media-land involves the hapless Andy Gray, football commentator extraordinaire for Sky “keep you on the sofa” Sports, and his chuckling cohorts Richard Keys and Andy Burton, all of whom have been suspended and, as I write, in the case of Gray, dismissed from his lofty position.

THIS IS DUE TO A LITTLE BIT of sexist banter when Gray suggested a lineswoman at the Wolverhampton Wanderers vs. Liverpool football match was incompetent due to her being a woman who would not understand the offside rule.. Burton had earlier described her as “a bit of a looker”. The number of complaints apparently registered about this blatant sexism at the subscription-only TV channel famous for reducing our male population into couch potatoes who are happy to survive on unemployment benefit as long as the bailiffs do not cut off their TV access is alarming. Gray and his assistants have become the scapegoats for a moment in time that does not know how to deal with sexism in sport.

THE GAME ENDED IN A WIN FOR LIVERPOOL after a dubious (but correct) call made by the attractive lady lineswoman. According to my Girl Friday (who actually watched the match), this allowed muscled Raul Meireles to outstrip the Wolves defenders, splendid in their fetching old gold shirts, and slip the ball to the somewhat effeminate Fernando Torres, Liverpool’s pin-up centre-forward, who deftly stroked the ball into the net.

THE ILL WIND

IT IS AN ILL WIND, ACCORDING TO ANCIENT WISDOM, that blows no one any good, and thus the recent scathing cuts announced by the LibDemCon Government, as I will henceforth term it after the Dave Cameron and his Conservatives gave way to the multi-coloured-scarf-wrapped liberals in the by-election yesterday, must surely bring good times for someone.

MY PICTURE ABOVE IS A SNAPSHOT, à la Robbe-Grillet, of my recent existence. It shows a partial view of the outside of my house here in Chester, and a full-on shot of my computer, my working area and some books.

THESE, HOWEVER, ARE NO ORDINARY BOOKS. Cuts in public spending often result in libraries having to be shut down. Although this has not yet affected the local libraries in Liverpool and Chester, it means they have to sell off excess stock. For me and my good lady wife, informed as we are by electronic mail about these sales, this is the wind that blows least ill in the government of this upstart Cameron and his playground pal Clegg. Even the private library just over the border in Hawarden and once owned by our great Liberal PM, Gladstone, is doing a bit of shaving.

THE BOOKS ON VIEW: I bought five 1920 bound editions of Thomas Hardy’s Wessex novels, at “Five books for a pound”. This means that when they were sold at 4 shillings and 6 pence in 1920 the price was right; Alford’s “Queen’s English”, in its 1870 version, which once belonged to Gladstone himself; an original 1939 version of G.V. Carey’s Mind the Stop; and a rare full version of the Larks Rise to Candleford trilogy by Flora Thompson, now all the rage on television for those young ladies who love looking at the past but would vomit their guts up after a minute of the smells involved in being there, yet would not mind a little cummerbund tumble.

THE BYE-BYE ELECTION

IT HAS COME TO A PRETTY PASS in politics when a chap is not allowed to be elected to the House of Commons having lied about a rival candidate during the campaign without being hauled up before a magistrate and having the result voided. This was the unfortunate case of Phil Woolas, hapless former Minister of State, now unceremoniously thrown out of Parliament and given the lesser punishment of being thrown out of the Labour Party.

OLDHAM EAST AND SADDLEWORTH, where such untoward activities took place, has obviously come a long way since the north of England was a network of rotten boroughs returning MPs who had nothing to do with their constituencies and were little more than decent, if slightly corrupt, chaps named by their parties in London to go up north and come back elected by the ignorant unwashed toiling in the fields.

YET TRADITION DIES HARD in the hills, dales and vales of the counties of our two historic ruling royal families. Oldham is carrying the flag for Lancashire, but, not to be outdone, Barnsley in Yorkshire is grabbing the headlines with the first ever standing MP to be found guilty of “fiddling” expenses. Eric “bar t’at” Illsley, pictured above, Labour MP for Barnsley Central for a few more days – until he gets sent to prison to join Labour’s pioneering jailbird David Chaytor – fought tooth and nail against the charges of corruption, almost, in an excellent show of XVIII century arrogance, suggesting that he deserved the right to swindle “t’ common folk”. We wish him well; and we wish the Labour party all the best at the coming by-election.

IN THE MEANTIME WE HAVE TODAY’S BY-ELECTION, which sees Conservative versus Liberal Democrat for the first time since the Condems came to power. Common sense would suggest that Labour’s Debbie Abrahams will be a new girl in the hot seat shortly after midnight. Yet we wait and see. Obviously, due to the abysmal performance of the two government parties on all fronts, no one will be sticking up for Condems, so I live in hope of seeing a swing to one of the more interesting parties. These are: Mr David Bishop, from Nottingham, standing for the Bus-Pass Elvis Party; Loz Kaye, from Manchester, standing for the Pirate Party of The United Kingdom, Stephen Morris, English Democrats – Putting England First, and my old friend The Flying Brick, from Ashbourne, Derbyshire, for The Official Monster Raving Loony Party.

The staid folk of Oldham East and Saddleworth will no doubt not vote en masse for these chaps, nor will Barnsley do anything radical as soon as Illsley is clapped in irons and we have an election there. If the Camelegg has its way these will be among the last of the by-elections, when they introduce proportional representation with a list system in the middle of next year.

THE LAST STRAW

CELEBRATING A BIRTHDAY immediately after the Christmas and New Year’s celebrations is a rather curious affair. It obviously means that one does not receive decent presents, as, after the hubble, bubble, toil and trouble of the festive season the last thing anyone wishes to do is go looking for a further present. Fortunately, now being an adult, this is no longer an issue for me, as I am perfectly happy to receive two or three pairs of socks for Christmas; another set for my birthday would just be distressing.

YET THE ADVANTAGE INVOLVED in celebrating one’s birthday within the twelve days is that one can relax at home and turn on the wireless or read the newspaper safe in the knowledge that one will not have one’s leisure time interrupted by politicians, most of whom wisely withdraw from public view for almost two weeks.

ALAS, SUCH BLISS CANNOT LAST FOREVER. This morning the Andrew Marr show was blighted by the appearance of David Cameron, using that whining voice of his to attempt to convince us that whatever it is that his government is doing with the left wing johnnies in the Liberal party is a success, despite the near anarchy going on in the travel industry, students attacking our police and the constant bickering in the lower house between Tories and Whigs, reminiscent of the late XIX century.

LIGHT RELIEF, HOWEVER, HAS BEEN PROVIDED by an old friend from the previous government, Jack Straw, famous some years ago for suggesting he would not talk to a woman if she visited his Saturday surgery wearing a veil – sparking a tirade of offence (against Straw) and defence of Shariya Law by most of his Blackburn constituency. Prior to this, Straw earned previous when he said, as Home Secretary, that the people of Liverpool, oft accused of being ne’er-do-well pilferers, were “always up to something”. His latest statement, in the wake of eight Asian members of a “rape group” being sentenced to prison, suggesting that many people of “Pakistani heritage” see white girls as “easy meat”, has led to calls for him to resign. Or perhaps be stoned to death. The official line from the Labour Party has fallen slightly short of suggesting that Pakistani men should be allowed to rape white women willy-nilly, but one does feel there is a return to the hated PC under Milliband.