NEW GLEE LABOUR

OUR GOOD SCIENTISTS ARE OVERJOYED, as only science-type people can be, with the findings promoted by research into the planet Gliese 581g, discovered orbiting a nearby star, and upon which one scientist, a Professor Vogt (I kid you not) of the Carnegie Institution in Washington, has stated, in no uncertain terms, that he believes that life will undoubtedly have begun there.

ALBEIT TWENTY LIGHT YEARS AWAY from his object of certain desire, Professor Vogt is confident enough to state, “Personally, given the ubiquity and propensity of life to flourish wherever it can, I would say, my own personal feeling is that the chances of life on this planet are 100 percent. I have almost no doubt about it.”

THE ANCIENTS USED TO SET GREAT STORE by signs such as these from the heavens, and the fact that this momentous event coincides almost absolutely with the election of Ed Miliband as leader of the Socialist and Labour Party must surely mean that the chances of success on planet Labour are also 100 percent. I also have almost no doubt about this. Or perhaps not.

TWENTY LIGHT YEARS OF DISTANCE AND THE CHANCE of too much hot air frazzling up the atmosphere on Gliese 581g are, after all, long shots, somewhat like those of Mr Ed Miliband himself, pictured above (seated), smiling alongside other alien life forms in the Labour Congress. More serious views of the chances of life in the Labour galaxy would take into account the fact that poisonous gases, extreme cold, no atmosphere and complete lack of inertia may not be factors conducive to life. At least not as we know it.

SO AS OCEAN-GOING DEAD DUCK ED MILIBAND sets off on the shortest honeymoon period ever afforded to a new leader of a party he will be happy if he can manage to take the dead duck of his party and at least make it waddle, wag its tail and bob about a bit on the waves before it chokes on a heavier crust and sinks like a brick.