FULL BRAZILIAN

ALL MY FRIENDS WHO ARE SPORTS FANS, which amounts to about three people unless one includes football and/or betting on sports, in which case it includes all of my friends except for one, are already looking forward to the next Olympic Games, to be held in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, in 2016.

MORE SCEPTICAL PEOPLE ARE WORRIED about the fact that Brazil is sometimes known as a corrupt country run by an extremely small number of ultra-rich, mutually self-appointing politicians with a tendency towards murdering those people who cannot be bribed. Only last week we discovered that the “successful parliamentary technique" used during the period of the “Lula” da Silva administration as President of Brazil was to pay members of the opposition parties to vote for government party proposals.

YET THE FIRST SCANDAL of the next Olympic Games started even before London 2012 was over. This involves the decision to name the main stadium for the games in honour of João Havelange (pictured above), the most corrupt man in sport ever, former head of FIFA and former head of the Brazilian Olympic Committee, found to have taken millions of pounds in bribes during his tenure, and – as if this were not enough – the man responsible for appointing the second most corrupt man in sport, Sepp “Bellend” Blatter, as head of FIFA, through a democratic voting process known as “centralized democracy”.

THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE RIO OLYMPICS will see the introduction of new sports, making the traditional games even more successful than ever.

THOSE NEW EVENTS IN FULL:

Complete Body Waxing – Brazil is favourite for this event, with Sónia Massagista Meu Bem tipped for the gold medal.

Police Helicopter Downing – This replaces the somewhat dull clay pigeon shooting, and is sure to be a crowd pleaser. Although other South American countries, as well as the Africans from Somalia, are now in training, Brazil looks a good bet for medals with their specialized team from the slum area of “Morro dos Macacos” (Monkey Hill) having honed their skills over recent years. (My picture shows a recent training session).

Murdering the Homeless – Rio de Janeiro and São Paulo will be entering strong teams in this event, although success in training, which will involve “cleaning up the streets”, may mean there will be no need for the event during the games proper.

Dog Shooting – Again likely to be an event completed before the tourists arrive to witness the games, this involves allowing anyone who possesses an illegal firearm an amnesty as long as they shoot the rabid dogs which proliferate the streets of Brazil’s major cities.

Mixed Tourist Scamming Pentathlon – A totally new event, although partially tried out in Athens, this involves five disciplines: enticing Americans or Germans into dark alleys where they are beaten up by thugs, robbed and stripped; straightforward pickpocketing; selling fake merchandising; overpricing in restaurants; and the more spectacular taxi-driver kidnapping, the blue ribbon discipline.

Women’s Combined Robbery/Prostitution/Blackmail Triathlon – This discipline was mainly a Carnival event in the past, but will now be extended to the Olympic Games proper. This involves three stages, and Brazil is by no means the favourite, as experts exist even in the USA, in Miami and San Diego, as well as in almost every South American country. Stage one is “Spiking the Tourist’s Drink”, and there then follows “Dragging him to Your Shanty” and the final “Threatening to Phone His Wife”. Gold medals are awarded for those who convince the fattest, ugliest tourist that he is sexy and/or shake him down for most money.

Drug Smuggling (Class A) – Although not a full Olympic Event strictu sensu, this involves taking advantage of the chaos surrounding the games to shift large amounts of extremely valuable drugs to Western countries. Brazil expects fierce competition from Ecuador, Venezuela, Colombia and the dark horse, Guinea-Bissau.

Let the games begin.