WORKING UP A SWEAT

OF LATE I HAVE BEEN somewhat concerned about the several different issues that appear to be threatening our existence here in the comfortable West. The first among these is no doubt the danger posed by the so-called Islamic State, who, in their misinterpretation of the tenets held and proposed by the Koran, believe that a sure way to Heaven is to behead innocent humanitarian workers, film the event and post it on the new form of television which today's children call YouTube.

 

PERHAPS WITH ISLAMIC STATE THEMSELVES SEEING that this is an unlikely route to perpetual happiness, their agents have of late turned their attention to targeting British police officers as they jolly their days away telling tourists the time on the streets of London.

 

YET ISLAMIC STATE is not alone in its menacing of ending life as we know it; once again a deadly malaise is emerging out of Africa, pointing its bony finger of destiny at the wider world, which is very now cowering in fear whenever any of the apparently "tell-tale signs" are noticed by passengers arriving at airports.

 

THE VARIFORM SYMPTOMS of the evils of Ebola can easily be confused with those of a common cold, the 'flu or a hangover after a serious bout of over-imbibing, and thus one can expect many mistakes to be made as soon as airport staff the world over manage to get the temperature-measuring devices necessary clanking into activity.

 

ON THE SUBJECT OF CLANKING into activity, I was more than briefly interested in a news item this week suggesting that "one in ten British people" have had sexual intercourse inside an airport while waiting for a flight. According to a company called Jetcost.co.uk, this activity ranks highly on the list of things to do to pass the tedious time after we have passed the security checks and find it is still over an hour before our departure.

 

RELAX AND WAIT IN LOUNGE may be what is announced, but it seems there is a lot more gate opening and boarding going on, and usually in airport toilets, should the survey be believed.

 

ALTHOUGH I REGULARLY FREQUENT airports, I feel I should state that I have never indulged in any such practices as I usually travel with my good lady wife.* But I am to no little extent worried that the flushed faces and sweaty armpits of those who choose to carry out airport 'shagging', as I believe the term for sexual intercourse in public conveniences should be called, may be then mistaken at boarding for someone with the symptoms of Ebola. And thus we have a ready-made excuse should we be stopped: we may answer that we have not recently returned from Africa, but merely from a quick knee-trembling thrill in the gentlemen's toilets.

*I do realise that this does not make such activity impossible or even unlikely.