THE TEDDY BEARS' PANIC

IF YOU GO DOWN TO THE WOODS TODAY, as the song goes, you would hardly get a surprise to see the panic that Britain's decision to leave the European Union has provoked among the foreign ministers of the six founding nations, aware as they are, no doubt, that there may be some intelligent and honest politicians and people lurking in other "member states" (sic) who have now seen that it is possible to leave the union and still be alive the next day and may wish to follow.

THUS, LIKE LITTLE TEDDY BEARS off on a picnic, Paolo Gentiloni from Italy, Didier Reynders from Belgium, Jean-Marc Ayrault from France, Bert Koenders from the Netherlands, Frank-Walter Steinmeier from Germany and Jean Asselborn from Luxemburg went a-wandering in the woods to presumably find some manner of avoiding further exits from their corrupt club.

INTERESTING IN THIS PANIC-PROVOKED situation is the similarity between what I am describing as a Teddy Bears' panic and the lyrics to the song I am quoting. "They love to play and shout, they never have any care;" goes the song, a description almost perfect for our Eurocrats, and then the ominous warning to children everywhere, one that Britain has fortunately understood: "It's lovely down in the woods today, but safer to stay at home."

EUROS 2016

I NOTICE TODAY, SATURDAY 25th of June 2016 -- incidentally the day that my European Union/British Passport has expired -- that there is some dissymmetry in the fact that only one full day after what is being popularly called "Brexit", Britain is still in the unlikely position of having three of its four footballing nations playing in the Euro 2016 competition.

SCOTLAND IS, AS USUAL, THE EXCEPTION, having used her seventeenth-century opt-out clause to withdraw from football in the nineteen seventies, although allowing any Scots who show talent the freedom of movement to go and play football in England, where there is money.

OF COURSE LATER TODAY, barring some sort of absurdity, this state of affairs will be reduced to a mere two teams, England and Wales, paradoxically the two nations who voted most strongly to leave what is mistakenly referred to as "Europe" in a lot of the vulgar press coverage of the event.

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FAITH in either of these teams winning this competition, but, as strong as my glee in the vote on the historic day of the 23rd of June was, it would be stronger still to see the egg on the face of the unelected corrupt bunch of swindlers and crooks who run the arrogant, aloof European Union if the criminal François Hollande has to hand over a trophy to the captain of either one.

(My photo shows European Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker taking a break from drinking brandy and discussing the rules of fair play with Michel Platini)

FLYING DOWN TO RIO

PERHAPS LIKE MANY PEOPLE, I enjoy a little bit of the Olympic spirit once in a while, and, as has been revealed in Sunday Mornings passim, I fully expect none of this to be on display in the pestilent city of Rio de Janeiro later on this summer. Although I am pleased to express my surprise at the speed of construction of the Olympic Village, above.

MY DISTRUST OF THIS YEAR'S OLYMPICS is not simply because of the legacy of Brazilian legend Jean-Marie Faustin Godefroid "João" de Havelange, former president of FIFA, member of the International Olympic Committee and once described as "the most corrupt man who ever lived", nor by the fact that the former President of the Brazilian Republic, Luiz Inácio "Lula" da Silva and the current one, Dilma Vana Rousseff, have been or are being hauled over the coals for charges of corruption in the extreme.

NO, IT PERHAPS HAS MORE to do with the recent spate of doping scandals in sport and the fact that the Olympics this year are going to be held in a city where it is easier to acquire drugs than it is to find clean drinking water.

YET ON A MORE PERSONAL LEVEL, I am amazed that drug-taking should be deemed illegal in sport. When I see some of the "events" that these athletes practice it is extremely difficult to imagine any sane human being wishing to indulge in them without some form of consciousness-changing stimulant.

WHY ELSE WOULD SOMEONE wish to do the pole vault, charging along a track with a flexible pole and hurtling twenty feet into the air then crashing onto a bouncy castle without the side protection parts? Or speeding down a hundred-and-fifty yard snow piste and flying off into the air with a couple of plastic planks tied to one's feet? Wearing spandex and a Smurf costume to ride a bicycle? And why a grown man would want to enter the 10,000 metres race, running round in circles for half an hour is beyond me.

I HAVE ALWAYS ASSUMED that these people were on drugs and that trying to prevent them from taking whatever it is that they need would be as foolish as attempting to get a jazz musician to play without (at least) a little hashish. Sport today is entertainment, as it used to be in Ancient Greece, when chaps and ladies would delight in watching naked men indulge in Greco-Roman wrestling after a few glasses of wine (all round). And, to be honest, not very many tennis fans care what Maria Sharapova has inside her body, as long as she can inspire someone to want to carry out a good backhand smash, as seen above.

IN FACT, I WOULD GO SO FAR as to say that sport in general, and the Olympics in particular, should take its lead from American football, basketball and ice hockey, and introduce drug-taking as a compulsory element. One can imagine the possibilities of sponsorship and the entertainment value of, say, the 400 metres hurdles on marijuana, the cocaine triple jump event, the 4 x 400 metres passing the joint, the heroin synchronised swimming or the legal high jump.

OF COURSE, THERE MUST ALWAYS be safety concerns: javelin and hammer throwers should be restricted to methadone, speed should be kept out of some pool events, and opiates, acids and such derivatives should not be allowed in the Marathon, as, in their confused states, even more athletes might get lost than usually do. 

(My last photos show a non Olympic event that will, coincidentally, be taking place over the summer. This is the three-legged bicycle race in which major British political figures will compete to see which of them (if any) still have a job when parliament reopens next September. Unfortunately, Andrew Mitchell (bottom), former chief whip of the Conservative Party, was disqualified when found not to be respecting rules over helmets.)

BOOM BANG A BANG AND BUST

ONCE AGAIN, I FEEL FORCED out of semi-retirement after yet another Eurovision Song Contest has been held, showing, as is always the case, how our European songwriters are capable of reflecting the pulse of our individual nations and of our collective identity much in the same manner as the troubadours and poets of old, whose balladeering and scribing revealed a remarkable rapport with the people.

WE WERE INFORMED OFFICIALLY that the winner of the competition was Jamala, from the Ukraine (above), with a song about the movement of and forced deportation of the Tartar people from the Crimea under Stalin, a sad moment in European history which deserves to be remembered in her touching ballad "1944". 

OF COURSE, UGLY RUMOURS ARE CIRCULATING that the current leader of Russia, Vladimir "Ras" Putin, is not very happy about the song, nor indeed about Eurovision at all, as, so it is reported by unofficial sources, he stated "It was all a long time ago, and everyone is happy now." Indeed, if the mood of the lyrics to the Official State Russian song, "Believe" written and performed by Sergey Lazarev and Putin himself, on piano above,are to be believed, Putin may have been announcing some hidden aspects of future Russian foreign policy: "Thunder and lightning, it’s getting exciting/ Light up the skyline to show where you are".

BUT AS USUAL WITH EUROVISION it is the also-rans that will really make the headlines in the future. Fortunately, most of the entrants will be forgotten forever unless they return to compete again or end up hosting the show, but there are occasionally some signs that certain contestants will be around for the long haul.

GERMANY DID BADLY YET AGAIN, with repeat contestant Angie Merkel and 'Donner und Blitzen' a somewhat depressing song about the forced movement and deportation of Syrian people into Europe and then out again, into Turkey. The song admittedly has some cheer involved at the end when the deported Syrians, now living in Turkey, come back into Europe when Turkey joins the European Union. My rehearsal photo shows Angie and her set designers working out where to put the Syrian dancers on stage.

THE USA WAS INVITED TO PROVIDE a special guest for this year's show, and as per usual the Americans showed the Europeans what a true performer can do when given the means that only the greatest financial superpower can summon up. This was Donald "The" Trump, with his haunting, Jim Morrison and The Doors style ballad "Get Out Baby, Now You're Fired", about the unfortunate forced movement of and deportation of Mexicans from California and Texas and how the USA closed its doors to any immigrants except leggy, busty supermodels who were prepared to marry millionaires.

BRITAIN WAS AGAIN A LET-DOWN, with the popular smiling duo Dave 'n' Georgie and their song "Stay". Although many commentators saw this as a paean to union and harmony, others saw it as a cynical mock-lament about the forced movement of and then deportation of hundreds of thousands of Eastern and Southern Europeans to factories, shops and hospitals in the south of England, only for them to be told that they had to go home again when unemployment benefit was eliminated in the country.

FOR MANY, HOWEVER, THE TRUE winner was the runner-up in the BBC's choice of song, which was the charismatic Bojo Jojo and his Shakespeare tribute "Out Out Damned Spot", which some believe will represent the UK in next year's event. The clever lyrics, taken from Macbeth, deal with one man's urge to form a new dynasty and enact the forced deportation of Dave 'n' Georgie from the British parliament.

TRICOTEUSE HOLLANDAISE

LIKE ANY OTHER SENSITIVE human being, I am in a state of dismay over the recent events in Paris, but am even more moved by a concern over the fact that this is the sixth time this year that (apparent and alleged) terrorists have been able to pierce the protective sheath around the French state and slaughter innocents willy-nilly.

SHIFTY FRENCH PRESIDENT FRANÇOIS HOLLANDE may have a nice line on poetic discourse, as well as being excellent at keeping a low profile when the chips are down, but it is clear -- as it should have been to the French people when he was elected -- that he is simply not up to the job of looking after the most pervious nation on the continent.

I AM PREPARED TO ACCEPT that the French do not mind having a leader who is an out-and-out thief, as has been the case with most of their recent presidents, because this seems to satisfy their Latin ancestry, but to my mind it is to say the least unorthodox to expect a man who cannot decide which of his mistresses he wishes to shag to be able to direct a war.

A WAR, AS HOLLANDE pointed out in a flowery albeit badly delivered speech yesterday, which France would once again win. Hollande is a lawyer by training, has never had a proper job in his life, and obviously knows nothing about history.

IF HE DID, HE WOULD KNOW that when France threatens war no one is shaking at the knees. France lost World War II; France lost World War I; France lost the Franco-Prussian War; and France even managed to lose the French Civil War shortly after the French Revolution, when they ended up being governed by a Corsican who turned the Republic into an Empire.

WE ARE HEARING A GOOD DEAL about France's absurd, and never implemented, claims to egalité, liberté and fraternité prevailing over the terrorists and their aims at destroying civilisation. Anyone who has been on the streets of Paris in recent years knows that, far from being the "city of lights", it is light years away from civilisation. And that it is about time we had a little more securité and CCTVé 

THIS EUROPEAN FASCIST GROOVE THING

WHEN SOME TIME AGO I POSTED a short text entitled 'Doing Things the European Way', which was bannered with the slogan "European Union: It's not Fascism when we do it", it was produced as a light-hearted joke. Although it had been apparent for some people and for some time in early 2014 that the European Union had been behaving rather like a dictatorship, I imagine that what has been taking place recently was far from even the most fletched of imaginations.

THE EUROPEAN WAY AT THE TIME was simply the heavy-handed, ham-fisted approach of Commission leader José Manuel Barroso, who, along with his grimacing puppet henchman Herman von "Humpty" Rumpoy, had on different occasions bullied the Republic of Ireland, France and the minnow states of the EU into accepting the Union's top-down rule in order to receive financial handouts, in the process ignoring popular opinion on individual matters in the respective countries.

WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON over the last summer in the Union has been of such a greatness in incompetence, foolhardiness and overstretching of political reach and will that I have not felt it useful nor sensible to comment. The criminal actions of Angela Merkel in Germany in announcing that her country would accept as many as a million refugees-read-migrants-read-Balkan citizens-read-vote-winners without ever thinking this through is as I write leading to babes-in-arms at risk of freezing to death on the streets of major European cities or by the wayside as their families trundle from Syria to the Tyrol, utterly unprepared for what lies ahead.

THIS SAME HEAVY HAND AND DISRESPECT for the will of the people was shown in the dealings undertaken by Merkel et alia in relation to the good folk of Greece. Voting in a left wing government, in some way disrespectful to the idea of a centre-right European centralised bureaucracy, would only result in the centralised powers bringing Greece to its knees. This was a soap-operatic event which dragged on through the summer holidays, long after most onlookers had given up caring. And so the EU won again.

NOW, HOWEVER, IN PORTUGAL, we are faced with something entirely more sinister. The elections held on the 4th of October resulted in a clear vote against the pro-austerity government of photogenic Passos Coelho, of the Social Democrat party, and his elegantly-coiffured sidekick Paulo Portas, of the right-of-centre-right CDS party; beaming Socialist leader António Costa then presented his projected coalition of leftish parties to form a government.

THE SAME THING HAD HAPPENED in reverse in the UK in 2010, when Gordon Brown's Labour Party, despite being the most voted of the parties, was unable to present a viable government, thus leaving the door open to David "Dave" Cameron and his alliance with the Liberal Democrats under Nick Clegg.

A SIMILAR SITUATION SHOULD now take place in Portugal, whether under the D'Hondt system of elections, majority rule or the first past the post method. Unfortunately, President Aníbal Cavaco Silva of Portugal, himself a former Prime Minister with a minority government, has decided that a "leftish, anti-austerity" government would "at this time" be against the better interests of the European Union project.

I AM THE FIRST TO AGREE with Mr Cavaco Silva; yet I would urge him to venture one stage further in this desire for both fiscal and economic restraint and the wider European interest. Why, when we are undergoing such pain financially, should there even be such a costly diversion as elections? Would it not be better for countries to simply submit a list of parties and a (brief) summary of what each party would like to implement if elected and then Merkel, Schulz or Juncker (or someone appointed by them) could decide who wins? Think of the money we could save.

(My photo shows Cavaco Silva, President of Portugal, merrily addressing his people)

TAKE ME TO YOUR LIDL

AS MENTIONED PREVIOUSLY, Lidl Global Supermarkets, originally called called Schwarz Lebensmittel-Sortimentsgroßhandlung (Schwarz Assorted Wholesale Foods), and run by Lidl Stiftung & Co., KG, has, since 1973, managed to become the fifth-largest retailer in the world with sales of $82.4 billion (2011), and is now invading the United States.

MANY SOURCES HAVE FOUND FAULT with the unethical methods employed by this company, but I suspect that this flak is only from those who are not in touch with the zeitgeist; the fact is that in the machtpolitik of world domination the supermarket floor is today's front line, thus meaning that the foot soldiers working for Lidl should be treated as inferior beings, sacrificed to the greater good of a weltanschauung that believes that everyone will benefit from German control, and that these workers are even lower than the lumpen who buy their delicacies off Lidl's palettes.

WITH VOLKSWAGEN CARS, German industry had taken Henry Ford's maxim for the Model T of "you can have any color you like as long as it's black" one goosestep further as it produced the no-frills VW beetle. It looked bad, sounded bad, felt bad and was bad. Yet given the utterly incredible poor taste and lack of money of those who bought VWs it became a massive hit. The vehicle itself is still a star possession in the eyes of those who love revivalist kitsch.

LIDL IS EQUALLY UNFORGIVING IN ITS GLEICHSCHALTUNG approach towards the politics of ethnic minority immigrants. Lidl in the United Kingdom allegedly banned Polish (or any other) staff from speaking in a language rather than English while in the workplace as, this might "upset customers", although they were quick to deny the ban ever took place after Welsh MPs and the Polish ambassador complained.

HOW THIS WILL AFFECT FUTURE LABOUR RELATIONS in the fatherland is anyone's guess, but there is no doubt that Merkel's decision to allow up to a million migrants into Germany is, if it works, a master stroke. Germany's future plans for economic expansion into the lebensraum to the East envisaged Turkey entering the European Union, with plans to open as many as 800 Lidl's in the country already set out. Austria's veto put a stop to this idea a few years ago, but now Germany seems to have found a solution.

INSTEAD OF GERMANY INVESTING IN THESE COUNTRIES, the people in the new markets of Turkey, and then Syria, Iran etc., are now going to be in Germany, to shop and work in Lidl, and work in car factories, presumably after there has been a triage period to decide which refugee/migrants are which. This will help bring down wages, increase productivity, make German products cheaper and increase exports. Germany's generosity will also help us all forget the "bad Germany" that reduced Greece's economy to rubble.

AND WHEN THE DUST DIES DOWN in the Middle East the "new" Syrians will be extremely welcoming to their Teutonic friends in order to help them in the rebuilding process, perhaps slipping in a few German car factories and Lidl outlets as they go. After all, Germany will not be seen like those nasty French, British and Americans, all of whom, in relation to the Syrian crisis, showed nothing but Schadenfreude.

(My photo shows a projected site to be cleared to make way for the new MegaLidl mall in Palmyra)