LITTLE HAS BEEN HEARD FROM Carol Ann Duffy since her appointment as poet laureate, but the publication of her “Christmas poem” (sic) is proof that she hasn’t just been hanging around the house watching television for the last few months. However, a poet laureate attacking British society in a yuletide poem is somewhat off, to say the least. The decent thing would have been to reject the prize, and leave the job of destroying British society to those who know how to do it, such as Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling.
DUFFY’S APPEARANCE LAST NIGHT on The South Bank Show, hosted by the moronic Melvyn Bragg, served once again to show that those who choose our poet laureates – in theory the Queen on the advice of the Prime Minister – should get out of the house more often. And in this case the House means the House of Commons. Choosing a poet simply because she is a left-wing, woman, labour party member and reputed lesbian is madness. My own nomination for the position, although, alas, I fear it may never come to pass, has to be the great versificator John Cooper Clarke. And in homage to him I will include some words I have written in his style.
The Member of the Labour Party
She’s a member of the party and so she can be arty
She won’t be called a boring farty
Girlie-girl because she lives in the
Fairy world where what matters is the
Fact of being a socialist and totally tarty
IN THE MEANTIME, I AM INTRIGUED by the events surrounding the activities of Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods, an American golfer who is one of the highest earners in the world of sports. A gentleman would naturally imagine that if one earns in the region of fifteen or sixteen million dollars per year just for hitting a ball around the countryside, one’s wife would be more than happy to allow one to do a little sport on the side, holing a few birdies without too much fuss. But apparently not. Now that Woods has been found out, his ridiculous manner of “clearing the air” between himself and his wife is to promise to have “treatment” to stop him being “addicted to sex”. I cannot for the life of me imagine what such treatment might involve, but I wish Mr Woods well on the road to his no doubt painful recovery.
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