I AM AN ALIEN LIFE FORM CALLED “THE MURDOCH”

Lalaland as seen from Earth

A BIT OF FINANCIAL IMPROPRIETY APART, it has been a relatively dull period for eccentricities in the political events of late. The usual providers of the juicy fruits in the news have been keeping their noses to the grindstones as polls are in the offing in Britain and our American friends have to worry about whether electing the photogenic Barack Hussein Obama was really the best way to deal with a monumental crisis.


THUS WE HAVE HAD TO LOOK to the world of sports and entertainment to find our much-needed lightening up of our lives; the misfortunes of “Tiger” Woods, the debate over whether Pitt and Jolie should or would split up or have split up, and the serious work needed to keep the caners in the girls’ bands sober and dressed have been occupying the red tops and flimsy TV channels for a little bit, helping them provide some “true” news (italicized due to the curious nature of the statement in the mouth of media “expert” Kelvin “When I published those stories, they were not lies. They were great stories that later turned out to be untrue” MacKenzie) rather than making their own news on such low IQ shows as Pop Idol, Celebrity Big Brother, Britain’s Got Crap and So You Think You Can Turn Over?


JUST WHEN ONE IS WONDERING WHAT will be the provider of the light relief required to help us get between valiums (valia, anyone?) in the pre-Easter gloom, step forward the United Kingdom Ministry of Defence, that ever jolly organ which has now brought us one of the most heart-warming of stories outlining years of recorded facts about sightings of UFOs over the last twenty years. The “facts” themselves, of course, are as dull as the dishwater usually coming down the sluices of ministries’ information release outputs, but the scope for revelation and reverie à la presse populaire is boundless.

SO WE GET speculation in The Sun yesterday as to why UFOs have taken such interest in football matches at Arsenal FC, former Conservative Party leader Michael “Dracula” Howard, and Winston Churchill. Perhaps, in the case of Winston Churchill, the “cigar-shaped object” often seen in his company was in fact a UFO. However, as hard as the Rupert Murdoch-owned media tried yesterday, with interviews in the streets on Sky News, message boards on The Sun and even the occasional joking reference in The Times, no one among the faithful readers and/or watchers of these organs came forward with the much-desired “proof” that aliens exist.

WHICH IS WHERE I AM AFRAID I HAVE TO COME IN. It has been easy, over the last fifty years or so, to pretend that I am in fact human, and my cover has only been close to being blown on a few occasions, mostly recently. While The Sun has now moved on today to get back to pillorying its own personal alien life form, Sir Elton John, exposing how Britain’s favourite chubby homosexual fashion icon has stated that he believed Jesus Christ was “gay”, I have decided to “come out”, as I believe is the fashionable expression one should employ on such occasions, and inform the dozens of people who read this column that I am masquerading under a false identity.

I FIRST CAME TO YOUR PLANET some years ago, before any of you were born (if you live according to normal Earth years), in the company of a large troupe of my colleagues from a star system known to you simply as “Lalaland”. We brought many of our own customs with us, but we have found it difficult to maintain most of them in your strange atmosphere. The ones that we have managed to keep have been modified into the cultural manifestations you now, apparently, know as “cocktails”, “dogging", "waitresses”, “quickies”, “shagging”, “niblicks”, “cocaine”, “adultery” and “press conferences”. Very few of my own group remain among you today, except in Los Angeles and Florida, but in the name of all of us, I would like to say a few words: “I have deceived you, and I am sorry”.


NOTE FROM PLATFORM PROVIDER: We understand Mr Pleasant has decided to withdraw from society for a while in order have his teeth and testicles removed and take up a teaching position at the University of Surrey, where he can do no further harm to mankind.