CONDEM CONDOMS

ANDY BURNHAM, THE TROY TEMPEST LOOKALIKE and candidate for the leadership of the Socialist and Labour Party has been extremely quick today to criticize the equally puppet-faced former cabinet member Alan Milburn for offering his services to the present Conservative and Liberal Democrat government in the position of the “Social Mobility Czar.” Mr Burnham, of course, one of the few “front runners” for the Labour elections who have not gone on holiday somewhere (unless one includes watching Everton FC play football as a holiday), needs to maintain a high profile to make sure that we do not forget who he is, as so often happened when he was a minister.

IN WHAT MAY BE SEEN AS A SPAT between northern working class lads, Burnham genuinely seems miffed that the only other “low born” new-Labour chap is making good, while Andy seems to be watching his own future swirling around in the basin of his toilet, or “bog”, as he probably calls it in his mixture of Warrington and Liverpool accents.

CRY-BABY BURNHAM, HOWEVER, today showed a redeeming factor about which we will no doubt be hearing a good deal during the abysmally boring period of watching socialists elect their leaders. Although he was previously best known for writing to the fees office desperately asking to keep his illegally-claimed money otherwise his wife would divorce him, he today hit the high notes by inventing a clever term for the Camelegg government.

IN CALLING IT THE CONDEM ALLIANCE, handy Andy showed intelligence beyond the dullness that comes across when he is speaking on TV in his flat northern twang. Yet I would suggest an even more appropriate (if similar) term for the coalition. Condoms, I am reliably informed by those have who used them – which has never been my case – are expensive, sometimes difficult to put up with and prevent full harmony between people, thus reducing feeling and fun, although they may often be well-oiled and easily found in gentlemen’s toilets. For some reason this reminds me of many Liberal and Conservative politicians in the past. Or is it just me?