THE OSBORNE ASCENDENCY

“EVERYONE’S A COMEDIAN IN IRELAND”, we often hear on the Liverpool side of the water, “but the real jokers are in London.” This indeed may well be the case as seen through emerald-coloured glasses, but the ominous meeting being held today in Brussels, involving the usual suspects – the inglorious battalions of European Union grey-faced and grey-suited dismal failed and unelected ‘politicians’ – and our very own financially clueless George “Boy” Osborne – can only mean bad news for all involved, but particularly for those who have relied on Paddy McGinty’s goat for economic sustenance over the last ten years.

MOST SENSIBLE IRISH PEOPLE over recent years have realised what side their bread is buttered on (with their own butter, mind you) and have firmly set their allegiances with their fellow English speakers, this involving either going to live and work and/or settle in the UK or in the USA. If we asked any of the successful Irish people of the last fifty years whether they would prefer or have preferred to commit their all to Europe, and we just included Mischa Barton, Pierce Brosnan, Gabriel Byrne, The Corrs, Conan O’Brien, Robert Downey Jr., Val Doonican, Megan Fox, Bob Geldof, any Kennedy, Lindsay Lohan, Liam Neeson, Sean Penn, Ronald Reagan, Terry Wogan or U2 (and I am just referring off the top of my head to those I know through music and film) then I imagine that everyone except Lindsay Lohan is happy where they are now. Where Lohan would like to be is anyone’s guess.

NO DOUBT INSPIRED BY EAMON DE VALERA, the Irish government jumped at the chance to abandon the pound when the European Union was set up. It was the first of the Eurozone countries to issue commemorative Euros and its currency now includes the one boring symbol of Eire on every denomination: the Irish harp. Thus it was clear that the Fianna Fáil party simply saw the European Union as a way of putting two fingers up to the government of the United Kingdom

BUT THEIR NEW-FOUND FRIENDS were of little help when, during the “mad cow” crisis of the Margaret Thatcher years in the UK, the European Union also banned Irish beef, as most Irish beef, like most Irish people who are looking for money and success, used to get the ferry from Dún Laoghaire to Holyhead or Liverpool, and so this beef was seen as British when it was loaded, lowing, onto the stinking cattle boats to the equally stinking French and Belgian ports, and was also refused entry into Europe.

THEN, AS NOW, IRELAND TURNED TO LONDON for compensation. Then, as now, it was given. George Osborne, our Chancellor of the Exchequer, is a member of the Irish An Chinsealacht Phrotastúnach ruling aristocracy, and also the heir to the Osborne Baronetcy of Ballentaylor in County Tipperary and Ballylemon in County Waterford, both of which mean he has an interest in the ways things go. Perhaps this is why he is so keen to help Ireland after they showed two fingers to us and now come to us with two hands open.

(My picture shows Mr Osborne helping Sky News with their enquiries.)