HO, HO, HO!

NOW THAT MOST OF THE FAT, SPOTTY HARRIDANS who were the driving force behind the political correctness movement of the late seventies and early eighties have become thin, spotty grandmothers, it is once again perfectly safe to state that I am dreaming of a white Christmas without running the risk of being clapped in irons for being a racist.

YET, EVEN SO, ONE STILL HAS TO BE CAREFUL in what one states at this time of the year. We have the unfortunate case of the gentleman dressed as Father Christmas (or I suppose it should be Santa Claus) outside Macy’s department store in New York City, in America, who was arrested when he uttered the expression “Ho, ho, ho!” and a passing lady took offence. In court she alleged he said the words with “rather too much relish” as he looked at her, “ringing his little bell”. As I was not present, I am unable to pass comment, but I do concede that there is a temptation involved in the miserable profession of standing in the biting cold dressed in a smelly outfit and watching upper class tottie trot into the perfume department in their gladrags.

HOWEVER, I WAS NOT DREAMING of quite so much white as to have my flight to London and then on to Manchester cancelled by British Airways, forcing me to mix with the so-called “working” classes and come by train to the stinking hell-hole that is called the Algarve and take an EasyJet flight directly to Liverpool. We shall see how this all functions in the fullness of time. In the meantime things seem to be all systems go. But it is, in fact, “mean” time. The Algarve is bad enough as it is; sitting almost on my own for three hours in the ghostly silent golf-themed Portakabin they call an airport is depressing beyond belief.

EARLIER THIS YEAR I WAS “VOLCANOED” twice, and on one occasion had to put up with the horrors, for an Englishman, of having to travel through France; this year I am at least once putting up with the nightmare, for a gentleman, of coming to the Algarve. I on occasion wonder why I put up with these tribulations, but at the end of the journey I am also quickly reminded why.