MIERDA ON THE NILE

IT APPEARS THAT IT HAS TAKEN less than a day for trouble to break out in the “new” Egypt, with distressing images of the army beating protesters with batons being shown across the media this morning. While there is nothing intrinsically evil about allowing the military to rule us – indeed for many countries this would be an improvement on the pisspoor civilians trying to maintain a grip on chaos – one cannot expect soldiers to behave like normal humans.

ONE MUST NEVER FORGET that underpinning military training there is a simple dictum of “tell them what to do and if they don’t do it kill them”, and thus whatever the final aim of soldierly action may be – even if it is giving water to a man dying of thirst – one either obeys or gets shot.

IN THE MIDST OF MILITARY ENCOURAGEMENT towards democracy, many of those being encouraged are asking themselves about future candidates. “Who will the “new” leaders of the “new” Egypt be?” one can almost hear them whispering into their hookahs and narghiles. Thus I imagined that, as a public service, I might present some of the potential candidates that “all Egypt” is talking about.

Colonel Massa Murderah. The official Egyptian army candidate. Murderah would like to see a more tolerant attitude taken towards those who, as he terms it, have “blood on their hands”.

Herman van Husia Dadi Momi. Seen as the darling of the disaffected, Dadi Momi would restore Ali-G as Egyptian Prime Minister and try to make Egypt a member of the European Union.

Issa Wayah Tellem. Often ridiculed for his old fashioned approach to clothes, Wayah Tellem would reintroduce street magic and sand dancing.

Rah Rah Ugagugah. An unlikely candidate, being a woman. Claims that Egypt was at its best when Cleopatra was in charge. Promises to allow women the freedom to express themselves in spandex and spray-on latex costumes.  

David  "Dave" El Camel-on-Wayout. The only Christian candidate. Hopes to legalize same sex marriages in church and bring the "big society" to Egypt.

President Hosni Bumarang. Promises to return order to the country, give power to the military, execute all students and take all of his money out of the Nile Basin.