WINTER OLYMPICS

WHY WE HAVE WINTER OLYMPICS is something of a mystery to me, given the fact that the "Olympic spirit" was born out of an idea of keeping people healthy in mind and body. And how four men lying on top of each other in close-fitting latex suits on a piece of oiled plastic, hurtling down a thousand yards of packed ice can contribute to the health of either mind or body of any of these gentlemen remains something that I need explaining.

NOR WOULD ANY DECENT GENTLEMAN be seen wearing the outfits that these people put on to go about the scenarios of the "games". The gaudy colours are bad enough, but the tight-fitting spandex makes everyone look like a Durex condom in sunglasses. Which, I am forced to believe, is what some people want to be.

THE MAIN EVENT, of course, in the Sochi games, was the small bore shooting competition in which the electrician who ruined the opening ceremony when the lights did not come on properly was taken out into the woods at dawn and shot in the back of the head.

IN THE MEANTIME UKRAINE wants the right to some form of independence. Does it really matter to anyone? And even if Crimea becomes an independent state will it make any difference? And why does Vladimir "Ras" Putin want to maintain a union that has always been tense? My vote is that the future for the Ukraine, which will no doubt be governed by one of the boxing Klitschkos, could be solved by a good ice-hockey match, putting Putin helmet and stick-to-helmet and stick against Vitali. This could be shown live on TV. The revenue might even save the dire Ukrainian economy, given that they haven't been able to produce a marketable product without Russian help for the last six centuries.