SEND IN THE CLOWNS

NO BRITISH ELECTION IS COMPLETE without the emergence of a star performer, usually an utter idiot, capable of capturing the imagination of a voting public fed up to their back teeth with grey-suited and grey-faced politicians spouting the usual dull rubbish. Now that John “Duffer” Prescott has retired, and given that David Cameron has wisely told “Boy” George Osborne and plummy Theresa May to stay under cover and keep their mouths firmly shut, one wondered who it might be.

NOW WE KNOW WE NEEDN’T have feared. Much to the delight of the press, Labour Party candidate for North West Norfolk Manish Sood came forward with what has been described as an “astonishing attack” on our (as I write) Prime Minister Gordon Brown. Mr Sood has declared that Brown is a “disgrace”, and the worst PM in history, demanding he say sorry to the Queen personally and to the public in general (presumably not in person one by one).

CANDIDATE MANISH LAMENTS the state into which our pleasant country has been driven by Brown, and worryingly suggests that we should try to turn the clock back to the “sixties and seventies”, exemplifying his frightening views by declaring that once we could leave our money outside for the milkman without it being stolen, leave our doors open and leave our cars open in confidence.

BESIDES HIS POLITICAL AMBITIONS to rediscover a Britain in which the average citizen can commit almost criminal negligence in respect to their possessions, Mr Sood also thinks that we “need” the death penalty again, have to to get out of this “rubbish Europe”, should dress more like gentleman and ladies (presumably according to one’s sex), should give the police powers to “give young people a smack around the ear” when they deserve it, should give more power to the Queen and need to “live true socialism again”.

HE FINISHED OFF HIS DIATRIBE on all channels yesterday by saying that “these politicians in power” cannot “do the job properly” and that they should “move over” and let him in, as he is ready to take over in running the country. I wish to make it clear right now that if I lived in North West Norfolk this gentleman would be getting my vote. But that is probably because if I lived in such a cultural, intellectual and social backwater I would most likely be as off my cake as Mr Sood.