RUE BRITANNIA

AMONG THE EXTREMELY LIMITED group of people who imagine that they can call themselves my friends there are even fewer who would equally term themselves as Conservatives, and these do not spend a great deal of time in my company. So I am unable to gauge at first hand the howling, wailing and gnashing of teeth that must surely be following on from the fact that Davy-Dave “Boy Dave” Cameron* has just ended the British armed forces (unless we get French chaps to fly our helicopters and airplanes).

THIS IS NOT THE RESULT OF INTELLIGENT allocation of the money available, nor of assessment of the true threats being posed to Britain by the world at large, but rather due to the fact that when clots like David Cameron and Georgy-George “Boy George” Osborne* are running the country, one gets what one pays or votes for; and what we have voted for is a bunch of rich country chaps – 18 millionaires and multi-millionaires in the cabinet – who really don’t know anything about life other than checking on whether the ponies have been fed when they go the estate at the weekend, whether nanny has combed Rupert the teddy-bear and whether the twins have been enrolled in lacrosse practice for the upcoming school term.

EACH TIME BRITAIN’S SECURITY HAS BEEN attacked by foreign johnnies it has been while Conservative chappies have been in charge. It may not be cricket to pounce upon one while one is putting a cucumber on one’s sandwich – an expression I once heard at Henley – but these foreigners will surely realise that stripping our armed forces down to their underwear might be a tad tempting and will not respect a gentleman’s right to reload his tank; and tanks, for this bunch of Bullingdon dickheads (all pictured above on the cover of their debut single), probably never gets beyond Thomas the Tank Engine.

*As homage to Cordozar Calvin Broadus, aka Snoop “Doggy” Dogg, I will from now on be referring to Conservative Party and occasionally Liberal Party leaders using the same snappy nomination, perhaps suggesting that they are as equally out of touch, spaced out and drugged away from reality as he is.