ANDY PANDY

THE UPPER CLASS TWIT, that great English institution, is as much a part of our national heritage as jam roly-poly pudding, toad in the hole, tiddlywinks, Morris dancing and flagellation. Usually sporting an outdated hairstyle, a gormless expression, splayed teeth, a forehead as flat as a plank and an arse like a bag of spanners, the genuine twit can be seen at the races, at foxhunts, in the House of Lords and occasionally jetting around the world attending cocktail parties in aid of “British overseas trade”.

TWITS OF ALL KINDS, even when their physiognomy is slightly off the mark, usually due to their mothers having had “a bit of a fling” with someone outside the immediate family, can easily be spotted due to their typically English upper class sayings, such as “Top Hole”, “I say”, “time for Tiffin”, “Tally ho!”, and the most common one when talking to diplomats from the USA, “Don’t you know who I am, you stupid lower class American moron?”

OUR VERY OWN HANDSOME Prince Andrew Albert Christian Edward Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg Windsor may embody – nay, even epitomize – the random attributes set out above, and some say he adds a select few of his own which can only endorse his credentials as a perfect twit. These are (according to some people): utterly English in behaviour yet without a drop of English blood in his veins; married to (and now divorced from) an air-headed lush who has no idea of the value of money nor the meaning of work; and, finally, fully committed to a self-serving lifestyle with a cavalier disregard for the fortunes of or anxieties held by others.

IN THESE LATTER ASPECTS ANDREW is no different to any of his brothers, and his nephews appear to be bowling on the same wicket, although Prince Harry doesn’t look like the rest of them, but one particular element of Andrew’s make-up must be seen as that which hails him as a twit among twits: he got caught with his hands in the cookie jar and one arm around the under-age bimbo masseuse. Surely his head will now roll, particularly after David Cameron’s kiss of death: “Downing St has full confidence in Prince Andrew as our trade envoy.”