AYE-AYE CAPTAIN

HEDGEHOG-HEADED JOHN TERRY has recently been re-instated as captain of the England football team for the all-important match against Wales on Saturday next. While for many international football nations playing against Wales is about as exciting and/or worrisome as a pimple on the buttock for a single heterosexual man, for England it is the big event: defeat against Wales is unthinkable.

THUS OUR MANAGER FABIO CAPELLO, the inept and unintelligible Italian who has for reasons unknown been given charge of selecting the England team, has had to struggle over whether to “return the armband” to Terry. This, as all of our newspapers have not tired of pointing out, is because Terry was “stripped” of the captaincy because he had been “playing away” with the wife of a colleague.

ONE MAY THINK THAT SIX MILLION pounds per year is a lot of money for doing nothing, even nowadays, but I wonder how many people have to deal with dilemmas such as Capello’s in choosing the England captain from among the serial shaggers, adulterers, bar-room brawlers and convicted grievous bodily harm inflictors that make up the current squad. Of course, we may add a particular misdemeanor of Ashley Cole's to the list, even though taking photographs of one’s own penis on a mobile phone and then spamming it to everyone on your contact list is not yet a crime in Britain.

IF ALL GOES AS PLANNED, and barring injuries, Capello’s ideal England team, using his hopeless 4-3-3 formation, would be the following outfield players, given the fact that Capello has stopped fielding a goalkeeper since David James retired in order to spend more time with his hairdresser:

Defence:

2. Glen Johnson: No previous convictions

5. John Terry (captain): Adultery. Having sex with team-mate's wife.

6. Rio Ferdinand: Involved in alleged “gang bang” of a young lady in a Manchester hotel, the lady later described as “a good shag”. Filmed in indecent sex video in Cyprus resort. (See Frank Lampard)

3. Ashley Cole: (see above) Regularly discovered by The Sun newspaper to be fornicating with and then vomiting over women who look like his (now) ex-wife Cheryl Cole. A serious case of dementia with a fixation for hair extensions. Also found to have shot an intern at Chelsea with a rifle. (See Darren Bent).

Midfield:

4. Steven Gerrard: Tried in court in Liverpool for allegedly attacking a Disc Jockey with a bottle. (See Andy Carroll)

7. Frank Lampard: In 2000, Lampard (along with Rio Ferdinand) were filmed indulging in indecent sexual behaviour at a holiday resort in Cyprus. Found drunk and disorderly at a hotel in Heathrow in 2001, insulting American tourists about the 2001 terrorist attack on New York City.

8. Wayne Rooney: Regularly found indulging in sex with any prostitute who happens to be around when he is, particularly while his wife was pregnant. (See Peter Crouch, Ashley Cole etc.). One prostitute, Jenny Thompson, said of him, “Everyone says he looks like Shrek, but when you get to know him he’s a nice lad really. That's why I phoned my friend Helen to come and make up a threesome.”

Forwards:

10. Peter Crouch: Spotted, like Rooney, indulging in extra-marital sex while his drop-dead gorgeous wife was pregnant. Famous quote when asked what he would be if he was not a footballer: answer “Single”.

11. Darren Bent: Formally warned by Metropolitan Police after allegedly having shot a 12 year-old boy with a rifle. (See Ashley Cole). Conviction dropped due to lack of evidence.

9. Andy Carroll: Accused of and/or charged with assault, common assault and grievous bodily harm on four occasions. Convicted twice. Forced to live under conditions of police bail. Foolishly moves from Newcastle to Liverpool, where he stated he might not “get into trouble so easily”. Absolutely.