HERMAN MUNSTER

AFTER YEARS OF BEING PLAGIARISED by other publications, I am happy to take advantage of The Sun’s latest epithet for the good leader of the European Union, gormless goon Herman von Rumpoy.

 

UNELECTED VON RUMPOY SEEMS TO HAVE DECIDED that, in keeping with the practice adopted by other, more legitimate, political leaders, he should produce what looks like a New Year’s message. I haven’t had the patience to study the whole content, merely the parts which seem to be of interest to right-thinking intelligent folk such as myself and possibly several people who are reading this.

 

SHOWING A SURPRISING CAPACITY for independent thought, as well as an arrogance beyond his station as a showroom dummy, “Munster” has seen fit to “warn” David Cameron about the dangers of his actions and the consequences of them for the rest of Europe. When Cameron suggested recently that the UK should begin to reclaim some of the “powers” that have inexplicably been ceded to the EU over recent years, Munster declared: "If every member state were able to cherry-pick those parts of existing policies that they most like, and opt out of those that they least like, the union in general, and the single market in particular, would soon unravel”.

 

MUNSTER RUMPOY WENT ON to state that this might result in the UK being isolated from the “rest of Europe” (sic), thus living without the benefit of the close ties established over so many years; and he naturally believes that the end of the EU would be a bad thing, as it would be the end of him. Perhaps unelected politicians like Munster and Duran Duran Barroso, as well as the majority of the second-batters on the lists of their parties throughout Europe and who never needed to listen to an electorate should be told that today’s poll in Britain showed UKIP, the United Kingdom Independence Party, at 15%, hot on the heels of Cameron himself. Unlike in Europe, our elected politicians have to respond to the will of the people, and they are clearly geared towards forcing a referendum which will hopefully end up seeing Munster and his cohorts getting sent back to their desks in municipal libraries in Belgium and tax offices in provincial villages.

 

BUT THE MOST ALARMING ASPECT of all this remains the fact that Von Rumpoy thinks he has some authority, when most people in the European Union have no idea who he is. In these texts I am read by people in every country in Europe except Lithuania and Liechtenstein, the USA, Canada and Mexico, several countries in Asia, including Mongolia, China and Japan, about six countries in Africa and four or five in South America, as well as Australia and New Zealand. I thus believe that I deserve the right to present a New Year’s message much more that Humpty von Munster. I will be writing it over the next couple of days.

SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS

FOR THE MANY PEOPLE who accept the Mayan calendar prediction about the end of life on this planet, tomorrow is basically the end of life on Earth. Of course, as I write this, at 11.38 pm GMT, I imagine that the world must have ended somewhere on the other side of the globe.

 A CLEVER PERSON MIGHT THINK that the world could end in ripples, although, having looked at our planet on a big book of stuff about the universe, I think that such an event is impossible. We all end or stay in one go, it seems. But the clever chaps might have some sort of explanation for this. I do sort of get the impression that these people who come up with these ideas do not have the same outlook on life as I do: apart from the things I have to do in my professional life, I want nothing more than to spend all my time in the company of my beautiful, loving, adorable, elegant wife, and my world will end when she does or when she is no longer part of my world. I am not sure that the Mayan calendar had taken this into their calculations.

 

BUT THEY MUST HAVE understood that love and desire and compassion and hope and the will to cherish was not something you could put down into fractions. Because it isn't.

 

SO IF THIS WORLD ENDS, then that is what it is. If not, I wish you all the best of the best for this Christmas and Holiday season. And everything you wish for in the coming year. You may not think so, but, believe me, you deserve it.

 AND I MEAN THAT from the heart.

THIS IS PLANET EARTH

AS I WRITE THIS I AM FULLY AWARE of the fact that, given my recent record of publication of this web-log, this may be my last. Unlike many of those closest to me, I am not deeply upset about the idea of the “world” coming to an “end”. Instead, being someone interested in language, I would like to know what exactly this “world” which will “end” happens to be.

 

I HAVE, INCREDUOUSLY, READ about planets that are “hiding behind the Sun”, and will attack Earth on the 21st of December. This sounds rather worrying, at first, until one starts to think about how a “planet” (according to the faithful of this belief) can “hide” behind the Sun. Nevertheless, as some very strange things have happened in the past, there is always the chance that whatever planet or asteroid that these good people believe to be lurking out in the dark matter “behind” the small star we call our Sun may in fact come hurtling out of its hiding place and attack me at some moment during the day that we now call the 21st of December.

 

HOWEVER, WHEN I THINK ABOUT THESE ISSUES on a serious level, I have a certain difficulty in understanding how a planet “knows what day it is”, as it were, given that many of the people in my immediate reach are often not totally sure of this fact. Indeed, even this very morning, I snuggled up to my good lady wife in our conjugal bed and asked her whether it was Friday or Saturday. Unfortunately, it was, and still is, Friday.

 

SO THE KNOWLEDGE CONTAINED in whatever planet that has been hanging around for five thousand years in preparation to destroy us is phenomenal.

 

(My photo shows an impression of what the people who are going to destroy the Earth might look like. They are intergalactic criminals known as Duran Duran and Rumpoy von Rumpoy Dumpty)

MOURNING SICKNESS

 

WHEN SIR MICHAEL PHILIP JAGGER, better known to his ageing fans as “Mick”, said yesterday that (and I quote, albeit perhaps not ipsa verbissima) “you get into rock ’n’ roll in order to have sex and do drugs (…) and then later on you have to do drugs so that you can still have sex and play rock ‘n’ roll”, he was probably referring to cocaine and Viagra, a drug which may be of use to a sixty-seven year old man who wishes to behave like a thirty year old.

 

SIR MICHAEL PHILIP appears to have aged relatively gracefully, and, despite having been branded as a scruffy hooligan in his earlier years, has successfully managed to blend into the establishment and behave like a good chap all round.

 

THE SAME CANNOT BE SAID OF STEVEN PATRICK MORRISSEY, formerly of The Smiths, as his outrageous comments and erratic behavior seem to suggest that the drugs he is patently still on are not doing him any good. His rant yesterday that he did not believe that Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, née Middleton, was really suffering from excessive morning sickness is supposedly meant to be in the line of previous outbursts against Britain in general and the Royal Family in particular. Yet what Morrissey believes to be true based on utterly unfounded facts should not be seen in the same light as his (in my view absurd) statements that Britain should give the Falkland Islands and islanders to Argentina immediately.

 

HIS OPINION THAT THE ROYAL FAMILY are “responsible” for the death of the unfortunate lady who received and put through the hoax call from the two Australian radio headbangers who thought that such idiocy was some sort of a jolly prank should therefore be dismissed by anyone except those who still listen to his records in their student residences. And commenting upon this at a time when the family of the lady concerned are still grieving should be seen as sick.

 

“KATE”, NÉE MIDDLETON, IS INDEED responsible for a great many evil things in our society, as, is the Royal Family. Perhaps one of these evils involves the death of a lady fifteen years ago, but most of the ill done by the Windsor clan has to do with poor fashion choices, bad haircuts, boring speeches about climate change and outrageously outdated accents.