EURO 2016: THE FIRST ELEVEN

GIVEN THAT THE GOOD PEOPLE OF MANCHESTER do not figure highly on the international scale of millionaire earnings, eyebrows have been raised at the news that the footballer Zlatan Ibrahimovic, acquired for Manchester United by new boss José "I want players who sink as I sink" Mourinho, will be earning a touch over £260,000 per week.

ALTHOUGH IT IS FAIR TO STATE that most people in Manchester would not know what to do with such an amount of money, some perspective should be attached to this state of affairs. Over the course of his career, Ibrahimovic has scored slightly more than 2 goals every 3 games. His entertainment value is beyond anyone's ability to calculate, stadiums will fill just to see him play or be kicked off the park, and if he simply scores a little tap-in goal in a semi-final of any of the competitions that Manchester United may play this year his wages will have been paid in full.

IN THE LIGHT OF THIS fact, and given that UEFA has this morning published its official list of the best players at the EURO 2016 Competition, although in my opinion this is somewhat early, I have once again decided to be of public service and guide my readers through the team, including their earnings, when known, and their main characteristics. Besides being informative in general, it may provide help for those interested in purchasing in the transfer market.

FORWARDS:

11. CRISTIANO RONALDO (£270,000 per week) Fleet of foot and brilliant on either wing. Capable of swinging a game with a deft touch. Dependable in general, but a tendency to sulk if things go against him.

Sunday Morning rating: All is needed is a spark. 

9. ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC (£260,000 per week) If you can afford him, buy him. Proven winner time after time. Worth his weight in goals.
Sunday Morning rating: Lazy but effective.

7. GARETH BALE (£300,000 per week) Besides his ability to rifle in goals from any angle, is a leader of men, capable of taking his country far beyond what was expected. A legend in his own time. Sunday Morning rating: Works hard and has talent.

MIDFIELD AND WINGBACKS:

3. HERMAN VON RUMPOY (Undisclosed, presumed in excess of £15m) Left back in the last tournament, but still capable of stealing into the area.

Sunday Morning rating: Easily dribbled and has no tackle. Excels at the dead ball, where he feels at home.

2. DURÃO BARROSO (Undisclosed, presumed in excess of £100m) Like Von Rumpoy, a veteran strategist. Excellent in his time on the extreme right or extreme left. Ability to close opponents down quickly.

Sunday Morning rating: A moaner, but insanely gifted. 

10. NIGEL FARAGE (Undisclosed, presumed at £26,000 per month) Has announced this is his last tournament. The master strategist who managed to get his team out of the group stages. Keen to get back into management in the United Kingdom.

Sunday Morning rating: Will go far in coaching. 

8. FRANÇOIS HOLLANDE (Undisclosed) Dreamy playmaker, with a tendency to take his eye off the ball. Nearing retirement, after which he intends to declare insolvency and immunity.

Sunday Morning rating: Criminal talent.

DEFENDERS:

6. DONALD TUSK (Undisclosed) Rugged defender of the 2-3-5 system. Fierce in tackle but likely to buy a dummy or be nutmegged. Danger of being carded due to habit of shirt-pulling and lifting. Sunday Morning rating: Ruthless defender.

5. MARTIN SCHULZ. (Undisclosed) Master blocker. Generally used as a last-ditch sweeper. Motto: if you can't get the ball get the money.

Sunday Morning rating: Inept crook.

4. MARIO DRAGHI (Undisclosed, prints his own money) Defender often termed "safe as the bank of Europe" Weak on crosses occasionally, and unable to compensate in attack. Tends to rely on quantitative easing, which leaves gaps at the back and middle.

Sunday Morning rating: Talentless oaf. 

GOALKEEPER

1. JEAN-CLAUDE JUNCKER (Estimate at £66 billion in backhanders and tax relief for companies based in Luxembourg) Often seen as a safe pair of hands, always ready to go for the high ball but not afraid to go low if needed. Not afraid of penalties due to his diplomatic immunity.  
Sunday Morning rating: Will need help in the future in the penalty area.