EUROLAND TRASH BASH

FOR OUR EUROPEAN FRIENDS this is no doubt the most important week of their musical year. Although our German, French, Austrian and Russian brothers and sisters have often been excellent in past centuries when writing music for orchestras, the continent as a whole – Abba apart -- has been abysmally poor in its efforts to imitate us and our Anglo-Saxon post-Elvis pop or rock music. But nothing seems to be able to convince them to keep to their folk songs and traditional pastoral music and leave the modern compositions to us.

THUS WE HAVE THE ANNUAL Eurovision Song Contest, a spectacle which is so gauche and kitsch that it is actually phenomenally interesting in entertainment value as it never fails to surprise one with the depths it manages to plumb. This year appears to be no exception.

FOR SOME REASON EUROPEANS actually take the show seriously, and so of late people have been asking me which country I think will win. Therefore, and as a public service before Saturday’s “grand finale”, I thought it would be useful to share my thoughts on the possibilities of who might “strike gold” this year.

AMONG THE FAVOURITES THIS YEAR has to be France, with the husband and wife duo Les Sarkosis and their surprisingly charmant political ditty “Salud, M. Le Pen”, which will certainly receive great support from the Northern European countries. Germany weighs in heavily, with cuddly hippy singer Angie Merkel and her English language lament, “Where has all the money gone?” One of the early hot favourites, the Portuguese entry from Os Filhos do Socas, with a revolution-inspired retro song entitled “Putice é Alegria”, has already been eliminated at the semi-final stage. As usual there is a “green” entry; this year being fresh-faced environmental studies graduate Nikki-Nik Biscuit, from Nerdland, with his tuneful “Da-do Bomb-bomb”.

PERENNIAL FAVOURITES ITALY are also in the running with the stunning Egyptian-born adolescent sensation Sasha Bungabunga and “Il Duce me face piu piu”, but the smart money has to be on 80s revivalist punk group from Spain Yo no la tengo and their haunting lament “La generación de los bocadillos”. Still in the running, however, are the Former Russian Republic of Vulva, with The Vice Girls and their stylish “Titti-titti Bum-bum”, which they are threatening to sing totally naked, and The Token Busty Blondes, from Catatonia, and “Bummy-bummy Titti-Titti (feat. Leggy-leggy)”; Greece is banking strongly on “Lukres Agape” from dashing 20-year old swarthy hunk Petros Anarkos, and who can rule out Ireland’s Jedward, with “You think we’re mad (at least we get paid)”?

YET IN ALL OF THIS EUROFEST there can only be one winner in this celebration of Euroland. And for my prediction it has to be charming boy sensation Davy Cameron, from Belgravia, with his chanting, mantra-style marching song “Pound, Pound, Pound”.