SALMONDELLA

NOW THAT THE DUST HAS DIED DOWN on the multiple elections that took place on Thursday, news agencies and journalists spanning the media franchises are vying to discover who the “real” winner happens to be. Of late, with the spin applied to political delivery, the custom tends to have become that everyone ends up winning, even in the face of an abject electoral pounding, after politicians have taken into consideration everything ranging from the weather to the price of fish, resulting in statements such as “although it is true we only received 10 votes countrywide and lost all our MPs, when one takes into account the fact that there is a war in Libya, this is really a good result for the Liberal Democrats and shows that Britain has faith in our policies.” Not so this time.

MY “MAKE CLEGG HISTORY PARTY” was unable to stand for local elections in Newton Ward in Chester this time round due to the slight inconvenience that I was not in the United Kingdom, let alone the ward itself, for any time during the obligatory forty-eight hours preceding the vote due to my concerns abroad; however, the results show that my party was the real winner on Thursday. Albeit physically unable to vote for me, the good British public heard my message and turned out en masse to thrash Nick Clegg to within an inch of his political life. And this was in the local council elections, the Scottish Parliamentary elections, those for the assemblies of Northern Ireland and Wales, and the absurd referendum to decide whether to change our voting system to the confusing and useless Alternative Vote system.

YET ALMOST TO A MAN AND WOMAN the British media have decided that the real winner is “Bonny” Alex Salmond, a man who, as a politician, is an excellent, if repetitive, standup comedian. (Above, sharing a joke with the audience) In a system designed to prevent absolute majorities, Salmond and his Saltire-waving, guttural-voiced McKilties have managed to inspire greater Scottish feeling than anything since the Jacobite Rebellions of 1715 and 1745 and thus they feel able to announce a referendum on independence “in the short term”.

FOR MANY THIS IS A VICTORY for the Scots, but there is every reason for Englishmen to dance around with glee at the result. Although no one in their right mind imagines that the Scots will actually vote for independence, as when sober they may be canny, the mere thought of this brings tears of joy to the oaken-hearted. This would automatically put the British economy back into the black after we stop subsidizing the Scots, paying for their beer, deep-fried chocolates, cigarettes and firework displays, and then paying their consequent medical bills. If someone could persuade Salmond to teach his slick techniques to the rest of the Celts we could be rid of Northern Ireland and Wales. And Cornwall could go with them, taking their idiot Duke and Duchess as they go.