TROIKA BALAKLAVA

THOSE OF US WHO HAVE FINANCIAL interests in Portugal may well be keen to understand what has gone on in the recent past to allow the nation to fall into such teeth-grinding debt that decent, able, honest politicians such as Mr Socrates, leader of the ruling Socialist Party, has allowed the IMF, the European Central Bank and the European Commission to come along and tell them how to do their business “properly”. This is surely a misunderstanding of a nature unknown since the nineteen-eighties, when Socrates’ socialist mentor, Mr Mário Soares, also led the country into a spiralling abyss which led to the IMF coming in to bail out Portugal, a debt which has never been paid.

THE TROIKA, AS THE LOCALS have determined the triumvirate might be called, rather than a “triad” or “trio”, have been snooping about Columbo-style and poking their noses into issues that really are “none of their business”, as one senior government official stated on RTP State TV last night.

YET IN THE UNDERSTANDING OF MOST PEOPLE who would like to know how Portugal has gone from being a possible breakthrough economy into a disaster, the “business” is clearly theirs. Only two years ago Mr Socrates was announcing that it had never been so good for Portugal, they were selling a computer to Venezuela, everyone seemed to be buying a house and even the broken-winged national airline, TAP, often termed “Take Another Plane”, was “only” 400 million Euros off the mark.

“COLUMBO”, AS I PREFER TO CALL the tripartite commission, has been looking at other figures, and asking those irritating, “just one more thing” questions that can prove so distracting and time-wasting when one wishes to dash off to a golf or tennis match, have dinner at an expensive restaurant or do a little tête-a-tête a trois with those sexual partners who won’t take non for an answer.

AMONG THESE QUESTIONS, and I am reminded of the gravity of the issue should the comparison be anywhere near the truth, is the overblown civil service. Of course this is an issue dear to the heart of the Portuguese leaders, yet they never imagined that the “civil service” might apply to themselves. Our good Columbo has sussed out that 230 members of parliament for a population of 9 million, as compared to 650 to 70 million in Britain or 435 in the USA to 330 million, could easily be trimmed down to “about 80”, as I overheard.

BUT THE WORST ABUSE IS IN LOCAL GOVERNMENT, where statistics discovered by Lieutenant Columbo and published in a prestigious newspaper today show that at local level there are 12 elected, paid representatives for every 1,000 people. Given that among these 1,000 there are children and old people, at a rate of three to four per family head, this means that every earner is subsiding a local government employee at a 40:1 ratio. In Britain the ratio is one local politician per 10,000 people.

ON THURSDAY THE TOOTHLESS PRESIDENT, Mr Cavaco Silva, decided he ought to give a speech to the nation after Columbo had gone home. He was followed very quickly by Mr Socrates. Socrates said that none of this was his fault, and that he should be re-elected, as he is a good guy. The message from Cavaco Silva was that the Portuguese people should all show “union” in these difficult times, and that the people should “export more and import less”. He quoted the fact that the final of the UEFA League would be between two Portuguese teams and that this was a sign of the “capacity Portugal has” to “overcome difficulties”. Just one more thing: “Are these players Portuguese? Sir”