BIZARRELY, THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE who pooh-pooh the Eurovision Song Contest, believing it to be of little or no interest culturally and much less so in musical terms. While I respect people’s opinions and understand that de gustibus non est disputandum, it is plainly beyond me that sensitive and sensible souls will not see this annual feast as ranking on the same level as the Queen’s speech on Christmas Day, the Football Association Challenge Cup Final Tie and the Grand National Steeplechase at Liverpool.
IT IS NOT THAT ON THIS OCCASION we collectively celebrate our European heritage but more the fact that British people, and more specifically English ones, can see what an unholy, corrupt, ramshackled, pasteboard and gaudy mess Europe is when one gets down to the nitty-gritty.
THERE IS NO MORE ABSURD, tacky, trashy, soulless occasion that one can see for free, on one’s own television set. Such a show of sub-vaudeville, cross-dressing, tight-satin-trousered, over-made-up bad-glam would normally cost a fortune in most major capitals in Europe, and a visitor to such an establishment would surely be risking being accosted by burly security guards, pimps, drug-pushers or people selling contraband sunglasses when one went to witness such an event.
BUT THE MAGIC OF TELEVISION brings us the wonder of the spectacle live, once a year, directly into our own homes. Although it is still five days away I have started “eyeing up the talent”, as the common folk sometimes say, in order to place a bet on the winner.
AS ALWAYS, IT IS QUALITY of the lyrics which attracts me, and I thus predict (and am betting serious money) on the following top three due to the qualities of the songs:
1. Loreen “the Vampire Donna Summer”, Euphoria, (Sweden), with the clever lyric “We’re going up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up”. A cert. Never has a song been such a guaranteed money-winner.
2. Engelbert “the” Humperdinck (UK), with Love Will Set You Free. How can anyone vote against a 76 year-old man who sings about making love to women? (Perhaps we should wait and see who actually does vote against this; but it won’t be any men)
3. “Diamond” Nina Zilli, L’ammore รจ Femmina (Italy): “You leave me crying at home while you play pool” (a classic lament in the Italian neo-realist style).
ANYONE WHO MAKES MAJOR MONEY betting on these three in this order will perhaps remember me and my sagacious predictions. Donations to the contacts above. (My photo shows the winner trying to look sultry)
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