SOFT UNDERWEAR

IT IS MORE A SIGN OF MY ADVANCEMENT than my backwardness that when I first saw the word “software” written down I believed it had a meaning similar to lingerie, a word which, at the age of ten, I imagined to have some sort of mystical, magical meaning in the world of adults due to the fact that it was always whispered in my presence and accompanied by winking.

THE CONNECTION BETWEEN THE TWO was, then, one of something being hidden, probably close to one’s flesh, and likely to arouse someone, me or perhaps everyone. If someone had perfectly innocently and factually stated “I’m in software” I would have imagined (until I was about 22 years old) that this pervert had his hands in and on female undergarments. But I now see there is a link.

THE TERRORIST CHAPS WHO INVENT new methods of frightening us through their cruel and absurd “suicide bombing” attacks have now, so we are told, managed to produce a pair of men’s underpants that can explode whenever the wearer wishes this to happen, or can be programmed by special software from a distance, and cannot be detected at airport security checks.

THESE “UNDERWEAR BOMBS” HAVE, unfortunately for the makers and sellers of this apparel, been discovered by the United States agencies responsible for homeland security and looking into people’s underwear. “Underwear”, I have read, “is the next airport metal”. I imagine that our security services will have to reinforce their “patting downs” from now on.

(My photos show exactly the type of suspicious underwear that will need careful attention and a thorough patting from the airport security staff in the future)