ONCE AGAIN, ANNUALLY AND DESPITE the fact that I have more to do on my plate than countenances average understanding, I feel it is my duty to inform my readers about the import and outcome of tomorrow's Eurovision Song Contest, which, barring sport, is without any doubt the most important media production of the year, should viewer figures and production costs be an indication.
ONE OF THE MOST SIGNIFICANT aspects of this year's festival is the somewhat unusual inclusion in the umbrella term 'Europe' of Australia, a country which, if history tells us anything, will wipe the floor with the Europeans and win the competition without having to include cripples in wheelchairs, tattooed vampires, manic street preachers, bearded ladies, dwarfs or women so obese they would probably not even make the cut for the last song in an Italian opera for fear of breaking the stage.
YET, I HAVE BEEN GIVEN TO UNDERSTAND, the major talking point of the event this year is the fact that very few of the countries who have entered will be singing in what one used to be able to call their "native tongue". English seems to be the language of choice for those who (presumably) wish to jolly up our lives tomorrow. Nothing, of course, is wrong with this, as anyone who listens to what the children call 'pop' music nowadays, knows that this is generally produced in English. However, some countries have decided to buck the trend, and will be performing in the languages of the countries in which they were born. What follows is my own personal guide for those who may not understand these languages, thus, I believe, doing my own bit to aid mutual understanding among nations.
LUXEMBOURG -- JOHNNIE JUNK
FRESH-FACED JOHNNIE will be hoping to emulate his success in his domestic career with the sparkling, witty ditty "Taxevasiöhaven", telling of the tribulations of someone desperately in love with money, a love which is unrequited, forcing the singer to seek out more and more money until, perhaps, albeit an unlikely event, true money can be found.
BELGIUM -- LUKE NUTTER
IT WILL BE VERY DIFFICULT for this year's entrant to manage to go beyond the result of Sandra Kim, with J'aime la Vie" in 1986, but, more importantly, there is the enormous shadow hanging over Belgians after the phenomenal success of crooner Herman Humpty von Dumpty Doo, who remained top of the charts for almost five years with his Belgian cool jazz dialect song "Udontnohuaiam".
PORTUGAL -- KIKA CUNHA E CUNHA
UNFORTUNATELY FOR KIKA, PORTUGAL has not managed to enter the final stages of the competition, despite great efforts from the internationally-renowned designers Panasque et al., who managed to cover her in a latex tube in an attempt to win the competition if it had been held in the nineteen eighties. Portugal's Eurovision situation will no doubt be problematic for several years to come, with them finding it extremely difficult to follow on from the major star Duran Duran Barroso and his hit "Robiustilchitfulufucustitchiupe", which resonated throughout Europe for so long.
ON THE MATTER OF WHO MAY WIN this event, given that it would somewhat embarrassing to award the prize to Australia, I am minded to opt for Hungary, a country which, through machinations beyond my intellect, has managed to persuade Catherine "Kate" née Middleton Cambridge to sing for them.
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